How to Improve Self-Esteem, Reduce Anxiety, and Feel More Like Yourself

Not Feeling Like Yourself? How to Align with Your Values and Build Real Self-Esteem

Many of us struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, self-criticism, and a sense that we’re just not quite ourselves. If you’ve ever thought, “I know what would help me feel better, but I just can’t seem to do it,” you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.

Clients often tell me they feel disconnected from who they want to be. They know what matters to them. They’re aware of the habits that aren’t helping. But they keep falling into the same patterns anyway.

Sound familiar?

In psychology, we call this “cognitive dissonance”: when there’s a gap between what we say we value and how we actually behave. Over time, this disconnect can quietly chip away at our self-esteem and well-being.

What Cognitive Dissonance Looks Like in Everyday Life:

• You say you value health, but you can’t remember the last time you moved your body or had a nourishing meal.

• You say you care about follow-through, but you keep abandoning projects halfway.

• You value connection, but anxiety keeps you from reaching out.

When your actions don’t match your values, it creates tension—emotionally and internally. That tension often shows up as anxiety, low mood, self-criticism, or just a general sense of being “off.”

The good news? You can feel better. It takes more than snapping your fingers, but there is a path forward.

Let’s break it down.

5 Steps to Align with Your Values and Feel Better About Yourself

1. Clarify Your Core Values

Before you can act in line with your values, you have to know what they are. I do this exercise with every client at the beginning of our work together.

Your top values are your compass—not what your family, friends, or culture say should matter, but what actually matters to you.

Start by picking 3–5 values that feel most important right now. (Here’s a sample to get you going: Joy, Health, Freedom, Integrity, Compassion, Security, Creativity, Humor, Growth, Kindness.)

When you’re clear on your values, it’s easier to make decisions, set boundaries, and navigate challenges.

2. Identify What’s Getting in the Way

Knowing your values is one thing. Living them is another.

Often, the thing blocking you is a core belief you didn’t even realize you had. For example:

• “I’m not good enough, so why bother?”

• “If I change, people will leave.”

• “Who am I to try something different?”

These thoughts feel like truths—but they’re usually just old survival strategies trying to protect you from disappointment or rejection.

Start by naming the belief. Then gather evidence for and against it. Ask yourself:

Would the people who care about me agree with this belief?
Is this belief helping or hurting me right now?

Then, try gently replacing it with something more empowering:

• “This is hard, but I can handle hard things.”

• “I’m allowed to grow, even if others don’t understand it.”

• “I don’t need to earn my worth.”

3. Talk to Your Fear (Instead of Letting It Drive)

Fear isn’t the enemy—it’s just trying to protect you. But when it’s in the driver’s seat, it’ll steer you away from risk, change, and growth.

Try noticing the fear and thanking it: “I see you. I know you’re trying to help.” Then kindly remind it that you are the one making decisions now.

If your fears feel loud and paralyzing, therapy can help you untangle them and find your way back to clarity and calm.

4. Allow Space for Messiness

This work isn’t linear. You won’t always act in perfect alignment with your values—and that’s okay.

You’re not failing. You’re human.

In fact, living in line with what matters may initially make life feel messier. People might resist the changes they see in you. Old habits will try to sneak back in. You may feel uncertain or emotional. All of this is part of the process.

You don’t have to be perfect to live with integrity. You just have to be intentional.

5. Reach Out for Support

Starting therapy—or returning to it—can feel vulnerable. Maybe you’re wondering:

• “Will I even know what to say?”

• “Is this really worth the money?”

• “What if I don’t click with the therapist?”

These are all normal fears. But if something in this post resonated, that’s your inner voice asking for support. And that’s worth listening to.

If you're feeling:

• Overwhelmed – take a deep breath and remember: you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

• Anxious about cost – ask about sliding scales, insurance, or biweekly sessions.

• Unsure who to trust – know that you can interview therapists before committing. You deserve a safe, supportive fit.

• Afraid to start – fear doesn’t mean don’t. It means this might really matter.

If you’re in New York or Texas and looking for a therapist, I’d be honored to connect. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit.

You deserve to feel more aligned, more grounded, and more like you again.

Warmly,
Elizabeth