Reparenting Your Inner Critic with Self-Compassion

If you're someone who tends to be a high achiever, perfectionist, or procrastinator—or if you've ever heard that inner voice whisper, “Why can’t you just get it together?”—you’ve met your inner critic.

We all have one. And while it often feels like it’s here to make us feel bad or stuck, the truth is: our inner critic isn’t out to harm us. It’s trying, in its own misguided way, to help.

So how do we shift the way we relate to this voice? Instead of letting it control our behavior or define our worth, how can we get curious about what it really wants—and start working with it instead of against it?

Let’s explore five steps to help you better understand and soothe your inner critic.

Here are 5 steps to understand and soothe your inner critic:

1. Be Curious

Let’s be honest-most of us don’t have warm, fuzzy feelings about our inner critic. When it says things like “You’re not good enough” or “Try harder,” it’s easy to respond with avoidance, shame, or frustration. But one of the most powerful ways to start changing your relationship with the critic is to shift from judgment to curiosity.

Instead of pushing it away, ask: Why is this voice showing up? What is it trying to do for me?

Often, our inner critic formed in childhood, shaped by the environments and relationships we grew up in. If we had caregivers who met our mistakes with compassion, we likely internalized a sense of safety and self-trust. But if we experienced harsh criticism, high expectations, or emotional inconsistency, we may have developed a vigilant inner voice that tried to protect us from ever messing up again.

This voice may echo familiar phrases or tones from people in our past—a parent, coach, sibling, or teacher. Tracing it back isn’t about blaming others, but about softening the grip of the critic’s message. When we realize this doesn’t actually come from me, it starts to feel less true, less threatening.

Try asking your inner critic:

• “Why does it feel important to point out what I’m doing wrong?”

• “Whose voice do you remind me of?”

2. Understand What It Fears

At its core, your inner critic is scared.

It’s worried that if it doesn’t push you hard enough, you’ll fail. That if you’re not perfect, you’ll be judged, hurt, or rejected. It believes that constant pressure and high standards will keep you safe.

When we can see our inner critic not as a bully, but as a fearful protector, everything starts to shift. Instead of arguing with it or shutting it down, we can begin to offer reassurance. We can let it know: There are other ways to stay safe—and I’m capable of handling challenges, even if I make mistakes.

Ask your critic:

• “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing your job?”

3. Build Trust to Change Its Job

By now, your critic has probably been in its role for a long time. Even if it recognizes that its approach isn’t working, it might feel uncertain—or even terrified—about giving up control.

So instead of trying to silence it, start by listening. Acknowledge how hard it’s been working, and how exhausting that must feel. Let it know that you appreciate its effort and that you’re open to finding a new, less stressful way of helping.

You might ask it: What if you didn’t have to yell or shame me to keep me on track? What if you could help me learn and grow in a way that actually feels good?

At first, this might feel strange or even threatening to the critic—but with time and consistency, it can begin to trust that growth doesn’t have to come from fear.

Try saying to your inner critic:

• “It sounds exhausting to work so hard to keep me from making mistakes. How would it feel to still help me—but in a way that’s actually more effective and less painful?”

4. Remind It You Can Handle Imperfection

Many of our inner critics emerged from experiences where mistakes felt unsafe. Maybe failure led to embarrassment, punishment, or shame—and your critic learned that perfection was the only way to survive.

But you’re not that same kid anymore. You’re capable of growth, reflection, and resilience. And your critic needs to hear that.

Reassure it that you can handle getting things wrong—and that messing up doesn’t mean you’re unworthy or unsafe. Remind it: mistakes are how we learn, not proof that we’re not enough.

Offer this message gently. Your critic may be skeptical at first, but over time, it can start to believe that safety and self-worth don’t depend on being perfect.

A reminder for your inner critic:

• “I know you’re scared that if you stop pushing me, I’ll mess up and everything will fall apart. But I’ve got this—and I’m not alone. We can handle it together.”

5. Show Gratitude

Lastly, thank your inner critic.

This might sound counterintuitive, especially if it’s caused you a lot of distress—but gratitude is key to healing the relationship. Let your critic know you appreciate the ways it’s tried to protect you, and that you’re grateful it’s willing to let you in and consider new ways of helping.

You don’t have to make it disappear- in fact it may get activated again—and that’s okay. When it does, you can return to it with compassion, curiosity, and care.

Let it know: You don’t have to do this alone anymore.

Interested in doing deeper work around your inner critic—especially through Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?
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